Omake: Promised Land University

[ZaCloud]

(OOC: Attempting to continue, weeeeee!!! ;D Yeah this one’s fairly serious but oh well, sometimes Omake can be, it SHALL be silly again I promise!)

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So Great...
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Running, Zack muttered to himself, "Oh man oh man, why did they hafta gimme one class after another at opposite ends of the campus?" It had been bad enough to be late for Japanese class and get the nth degree; he didn't need the same from his sculpture instructor as well.

Suddenly as he ran by a group of several other young people, he felt his foot hit an object and he tumbled to the ground, smacking his chin against the sidewalk. At the same time, his hard-cover books flew out of his unclosed backpack and hit the back of his head before scattering all around. He cried out first in surprise, then in pain as he rolled into a sitting position, rubbing his head then finding his chin was starting to bleed.

"Whoops," a lanky but very tall guy sarcastically remarked, "Guess I need to watch where my feet decide to wander."

Zack blinked, a bit woozy for a moment. "Uh, yeah, I guess so," he said. Then his eyes narrowed slightly for the slightest moment; he had begun to have a bit of self-esteem lately, and he could tell this guy wasn't sorry at all. "That sucks," he then said, "I'm really sorry you can't control your limbs."

A few of the guy's friends started laughing at the snappy comeback. He glared at them though, and they were reduced to smothered chuckles. "Idiot, I did it on purpose, don't you get it?"

Zack cocked his head. "No... I don't get the logic of randomly tripping someone." He started picking up his books.

Lanky Man stepped on one book Zack was starting to grab, mashing his hand between the cover and pavement. Zack winced. "You're enough reason," the guy snarled, "You thinking you're so great to be in college when you're just 16, all on your own like a grownup."

Zack's head was lowered, his eyes were concealed by his hair. But slowly his voice emerged as a growl. "I don't think I'm great for it."

"Oh really?" the lanky guy sneered.

"I'm just trying to get by like everyone else," Zack said, voice still low, "And I'm late for class. So if you'll kindly stop being childish, I'll be on my way."

"Such a goody-goody," the guy chuckled, his voice slightly forced though since he didn't completely support his bullying anymore but didn't want to seem weak by changing his mind now.

"Just let him be, Agro," one girl hesitantly suggested.

Agro thought about complying for a moment, but his longstanding status as a tough guy and the widespread contempt for the spiky-haired prodigy won over and he just folded his arms, weight still on the book and the hand. "Late for class, boohoo, such a good little bookworm."

"I'm sorry then," Zack said, and he swiftly launched his body forward, knocking his head against Agro’s thigh. Taken by surprise and knocked off balance, Agro stumbled back, freeing Zack’s hand. The boy then stood up and knocked Agro out in an instant by striking the side of his neck with a chopping motion. Zack was already kneeling and picking up the rest of his books by the time the lanky young man hit the ground.

Shouldering his backpack, Zack looked over his shoulder at Agro’s shocked friends. “Yeah, hate to hit an’ run, it’s not my nature. Well, hitting at all isn’t either. However, I did it because…” His eyes suddenly widened and he squealed, “AAAH!!! Oh yeah I’m late for claaaass!!!” He took off running, arms flailing, his frantic vocalizations fading from their hearing range.

[The Waffle King]

Students file out of a classroom in quick succession, followed by Valtiel lagging far behind. He didn't even bother to pick up his backpack, he'll just have to get it later. He staggered into the hall and groaned loudly. "I.....am so.....freaking....sleepy!" He slowly scanned the halls as if in search of something, the perked up ever so slightly once his target was found. He pushed his way through the crowd, spun FZU around, and grabbed him by the shoulders. "You...your fuzzy!" said Valtiel like he hadn't known it allready. His prisoner replied with suprise, "Uhh...yeah!" An awkward pause passed between them before Valtiel started to scramble up FZU's shoulders. Even though Valtiel was larger than the fuzzy one, he added nearly no weight to the other's shoulders due to his gravitational deffiance. Valtiel wrapped himself around FZU's neck like a scarf made of creepy and quickly fell asleep. FZU stood still as stone in total confusion.

[Sephiroth X]

--Based on a true story--

And so began another day of programming class. Everyone was happily sitting there about to listen to what the instructor had to present to us today...

...but in the back of the room... another story was building...

there sat next to each other the two unique figures that were Sephiroth X and Dark Crono.

They both sat there quietly typing up their programs, working on an unnecessarily early assigned final project. Sephiroth X took a moment to lean back and crack his knuckles, and upon doing so he immediately heard the knuckles of Dark Crono crack next to him.

Sephiroth X slowly turned his head to his right to look at his on and off nemesis in the corner of his eye, and saw a familiar smirk upon Crono's face and X thought to himself...

"It's on now..."

Sephiroth X slowly reached for his bag of Combo's pretzel snacks and reached in for a nice cheese filled pretzel, intentionally making as much noise as he could upon reaching into the bag. Then without warning or hesitation Dark Crono reached for the weapon that had plagued X for so long...

The Never Ending Eraser...

An eraser that was the size of most pencils, it could extend in and out at will creating more rubbery erasing material... and as it would extend in and out it would make a loud sound that sounded like a thousand soldiers cracking their knuckles in unison.

Slowly and maliciously Dark Crono extended the eraser in and out of its holder creating the annoying sound that made the hair on X's back stand on end. Sephiroth X looked back at the bag of Combos and knew that this pathetic weapon was no use to him anymore. Quickly X had to thing of a weapon to counteract the Eraser from Hell... so X quickly extended out his right arm and shot it straight, making his elbow crack quietly.

X smirked to himself thinking he might have had Crono beat. Then he saw Crono raise his own right arm as the Dark One prepared to mimic what X had just done. And when X saw Dark Crono snap his arm straight, an elbow crack that could be heard from 3 classrooms away echoed off of the walls.

X lowered his head... defeated once again by his nemesis.

Then as if the heavens gave Sephiroth X one last weapon, the teacher walked past and handed back scores from their last test.

Sephiroth X's face lit up as he saw the score, "62 out of 62 ... A+" and in the corner of his eye he saw Crono's score of 60.5.

X emphatically pumped his fist in joy and revelled in his apparent victory.

But he had only one the battle, not the war.

The teacher walked past again and handed out overall progress reports for the entire semester. X saw his score and saw an overall grade of 89.99% because his teacher was too snobby to give him the extra point for an A-. X was content with this score, and quickly turned to his right to see what Dark Crono's score was. As his head turned, Crono quickly turned away the paper from X's eyes.

X smirked and turned back to his own monitor and asked Crono "Let me guess, 94%?"

Being the perfectionist Dark Crono was, that would have been the approximate score he actually had. But Dark Crono smirked again and shot back an unexpected and slow response.

"...Why do you think so low of me?"

X's face shot pale as he ever so slowly turned back to face Dark Crono. And as he did, Crono slowly turned over the paper to reveal the grade it held...

98.8%

... over halfway through the semester, and after taking a year off from school... Dark Crono was quite literally close to perfecting the class...

X sat there in shock and awe... and Crono gave one final quote... one he had heard from many games of Halo as well...

"... I win ..."

[Sephiroth X]

Sephiroth X began walking out of his VB class quietly thinking about how nice it was to be escaping the dark vortex of evil that Dark Crono had manefested within the classroom (and Dark Crono's semi-gloating cuz he figured out how to import Windows Media Player into Visual Basic.NET)

The X realized that he had to begin a new class, a pathetic intermediate class that would run for the last month and a half that made up his semester.

X promptly grabbed his books for the new class and trotted into the computer lab, sat at one of the computers, logged in, and immediately changed the desktop wallpaper from the obligatory Windows Blue to something more... fitting.

As the minutes ticked by before the class started, Sephiroth X looked around the lab observing all of the new faces whom he'd waste an hour of his time with. He looked to his right and saw a bunch of unfamiliar faces, including that of the instructor... But when X immediately turned his head to his right to look at the new classmates, he saw someone stareing right at him from the computer right next to him whom spoke immediately.

Dark Crono- ...Hello X...

Sephiroth X- HOLY CRAP JESUS H CHRIST SON OF A BIIIIIITCH!

In an imediate [anime style] stun, X jumped backwards causing the wheels from under his rolling chair to slip out from under him sending the silver haired soldier on his back.

As X recovered he stood up, dusted himself off, replaced the chair, and sat back down looking at Dark Crono. And X immediately extended his left arm with a finger pointing at Crono no more then a few inches in front of Crono's face.

Sephiroth X- You.... how are YOU here...

Dark Crono- Do you think something so incipid as the beginning level version of this class would suffice as a barrier between our mutual destiny?

Sephiroth X- So you tested out of the beggining level class and got here?

Dark Crono- Pitiful mortals and your... ''test outs''

Sephiroth X- Whoa wait a minute... this is my third semester here... and you've taken a year off from school and this is your first full-time semester here, and your ALREADY getting put in some of the same classes as me?

Dark Crono smirked

Dark Crono- It was inevitable

The class then began to commence, and the teacher gave us a review assignment to catch up on everything we might have forgotten from the beggining level version of this class (Microsoft Access).

Teacher- Now I want all of you to pick a partner and work on this assignment...

Immediately Sephiroth X looked at Dark Crono from the corner of his eyes, and saw that Dark Crono too had his eye (singular) focused on Sephiroth X the moment this partner assignment was issued.

And thus the two polor opposites that composed the very fabric of good and evil joined forces to take on a common foe, the only foe that would require their combined power... the Access Intermediate review assignment.

[The Waffle King]

Valtiel sits slumped over at his computer ata bout 4:30 pm doing the usual web surfing when he realizes he hadn't eaten since 7 this morning. He gets up and heads on over to the cafeterial. It's dusk and the lamp posts have just turned on. The sidewalk was more or less vacan as he walked up the slight incline towards the "food pit". He nears the first lamp post and it unexpectedly turns off. "hmmm..." He continues walking and approaches the next light, it also dies out. His continues the entire walk to the cafeteria. He enters the realm of food stuffs smiling to himself.

OOC: This seriously happened today, it was freaking awesome. Probably some light sensor fluke or something but man, I was all happy on the inside.

[ZaCloud]

(OOC: Waffles and I, mutually suffering sleep deprivation... bring you a dramatic tale of... sleep deprivation ;D )

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Zack rolled over for the 3,467,982nd time, and emitted a looooong sigh. He could not sleep. Seriously, he could NOT sleep. He was probably tied for first with the sleepiest person in the world that night, and yet somehow, despite being bleary and droopy, his eyelids like lead and his mind fogged... He could NOT sleep.

Whining quietly, he sat up and looked over at his roommate Bax, sleeping peacefully away without a care in the world. He pouted. "Never thought I'd say you're lucky to just be snoring," he whispered pensively, a bit jealous. He sighed yet again, feeling restless. And so, in his mint-green pajama pants and button-down shirt, he wandered into the hallway, his bare feet pattering slowly over the floor. No destination in mind, just wandering...

A short distance down the hall, Valtiel stood at his room door. Shoulder's drooped, head hanging down, drained slouch of a posture. Key in hand, he pushed it towards the lock...and missed. The key left a tiny scrape on the wooden door, just adding to the mess of them around the lock, all fresh. He held the key up in front of his face closely and peered at it, then slowly let out a sigh. He put the key at lock height again and waited, almost like he was aiming...

After almost 30 seonds of readying, he would have to get it right, its just a key anways...........*tap*.............missed again.

He held the key in front of his face again and mumbled. He tossed the acursed piece of metal to the floor and turned to find Zack further down the hallway.

Hearing the clinking, Zack looked up a bit and saw the key skittering across the floor before coming to a stop against the far wall. He blinked. Was he already hallucinating that badly? Then he looked up and saw Valtiel. A very... odd student to say the least. But it was never in him to question appearances. In fact, seeing a fellow insomniac seemed to immediately strike a sympathetic bond. His mouth smiling but his eyes desperate, he moved forward in a stumbly, swaying closing of distance before halting nearby. "Can't sleep either, huh?"

He weakly raised a hand in greeting to his fellow student. "Eh, yeah. And now I don't even have a choice." He rubed his temples. "Ugh, I don't think I've ever been this tired before."

"Me neither... But can't sleep. It's crazy...." Zack almost teared up as he poured his heart out, as the sleepless often do. "I... I have a test tomorrow in all but one class, and in that class I gotta give a complicated speech about trigomotemic tendencies of philophysical analysticals, and I'm not gonna be able to focus and I'm gonna mess up and I'm gonna fail and be out on the street and have to sell sliced bread except I think they already slice it better than me...."

Valtiel would have gotten weepy-eyed if he had any eyes to get weepy. He places a hand on Zack's shoulder. "I know exacly what you mean. I have to finish most of my art projects tomorrow and I...I just don't think I can do it. I can't sculpt like this, let alone unlock my own door. It's like my worst nightmare come true.......except there are no leprechauns." He moves his face in a couple centimeters towards Zack as if to squint "Your.....not a leprechaun, are you?"

Zack cocked his head, then blinked. "No, I'm not a leprechaun. Unless my mother's brother's father's second wife's half-sister's cousin was a leprechaun, but as far as I know that's not the case. Besides, my hair never curls."

"Hmmm, good point. At least that went right tonight." He slid his hand off of Zack and stumbled backwards a couple steps. "Well, now I gotta stay occupied untill..ummm....tomorrow I guess. Or would that count as this morning? What time is it anyways?"

The blonde scratched his head a bit, leaning against the wall. "Ummm... I think last time I looked at the clock it said E:82 .... I think I just couldn't see it very well though." The wall felt nice and cool, so Zack closed his eyes and rubbled his cheek on it. "Ummm... what the heck is there to do at college at E o'clock anyway?"

"Hmmmm, ummmm......heh, you wanna give your roommate something to wake up to tomorrow and 'redecorate' his room?" Valtiel had a bit of mischief in his voice.

Zack thought. And thought. He had never really done a prank before. And normally, with how nice Bax was, he wouldn't consider it. However, in his sleep-muddled mind, the pink bunnies floating around his head giggled and squeaked, "Yes! Do it! If you do it, you can finally sleeeep!"

The boy murmured, "Must... obey... pink bunnies..." He then stepped toward Valtiel and nodded. "Let's doooo it."

Valtiel rubbed his hands together and chuckled. "Yes, lets." They turned back down the hallway as the plan was discussed between Zack, Valtiel, and the pink floating bunnies.

[prodigi]

Based on a real hallucination.

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Prodigi stumbled into the hall, no longer occupied by Valtiel and Zack, and staggered towards his room. He walked with his right shoulder scraping against the wall, and a half empty bottle of Heineken in his hand. He reached his door and slumped down onto his arse, his knees falling out beneath him. He lifted a weary eye to his lock, and noticed all the scratch marks around it.

"Che?" he muttered wonderingly.

He searched around in his pockets for his key for a good five minutes, before realising it had been in his hand the whole time. He carefully aimed for the lock.... carefully.... carefully... success. He slipped it in on the first try and turn the key, leaning against the door, and falling into the room, landing face first on the ground.

"Hrmph" he grunted into the carpeted dorm room.

His half empty beer bottle rolled out of his hand, across the room, and knocked into the filing cabinet he kept beside his bed. The cabinet shuddered. Prodigi lifted his head wearily, resting it on his chin and stared at the cabinet shudder again. He carefully lifted himself up onto his knees, and shuffled towards the cabinet, slowly tilting to the right as he went. As he reached the cabinet he slummed sideways into the wall. The cabinet shuddered again. Placing his arms against the wall, he carefully climbed to his knees and stood swaying in front of the cabinet. His tail slinked out of his pants, reached around his waist, and wrapped itself around the cabinet handle. With a final sway, his tail yanked the cabinet open.

Cookies. Walking cookies. Living breathing cookies.

Prodigi screamed like a woman and fell over backwards, as the cookie's clambered out of the cabinet on their little hands and feet and ran around him in a circle, chanting in their high-pitched.... cookie.... voices.

"That's not right...." Prodigi muttered drunkedly, "that's not right at all...."

His vision blurred, and his eyes wandered over to the poster on Valtiel's side of the room, a poster of a syruppy waffle with a crown. Suddenly the waffle reached forward, grabbing onto the edges of the poster, and clambered its way off its paper, and landed on the bed. The Waffle King wandered over to Prodigi's desk calmly, picked up a fork left over from his dinner the night previous, and turned to Prodigi.

"Do not be alarmed..." it said in a most calm voice.

"Okay...." Prodigi giggled to himself.

".... I'm just going to eat you." finished the Waffle King.

Prodigi, staggered to his feet lightning fast, and ran from the room screaming, arms flailing like a girl, lifting his knees high and running down the dorm corridors screaming:

"The Waffle's trying to eat me and the cookies are after me!"

[AltruisticCrono]

Thick plumes of early morning fog remained stagnant and substantial in the air. The sun bestowed a wretched orange glow – providing false hope and dismembered dreams of mirthful, compassionate sleep. Throughout the area, few souls bothered to enter the campus this fated Friday of July. No one saw him enter that day and no one ever saw him leave. Who was this character of distressing circumstance? The newest IT student technician answered to his one and only name… Dark Crono.

Perched on his wrinkled cloak, the oblivious and incongruous name tag authorized no whisper of solace. Dazed at its fake metallic surface, he tapped it with a finger and the masking tape gave way underneath, dropping its identifying text onto the pastel carpet. Displeased at his fate, he listlessly peered towards his colleague.

“The electronic devices of limited magnetic capacity are qualified to be re-assigned to your erroneous faculty.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Dark Crono scanned the text on the flat panel LCD. Emotionless, he dropped a finger onto F12 to enter the network boot for the computer (to be imaged from the campus servers).

One computer down, ninety seven to go.

[ZaCloud]

Divide by Zero...

---

After Valtiel, Zack, and the pink bunnies accomplished their mischievous plot, Zack took a moment to make sure Bax was still asleep. Sure enough, he lay there with his eyes closed, breathing evenly. It was nifty how a little bit of light shone in diffused red behind the eyelids’ thin skin. But Bax had rolled so that his upper half was mostly uncovered. Zack sighed, smiling a bit and reaching to fix the blanket so Bax’s arm wouldn’t get cold.

But then he paused. Maybe Bax is too hot under a blanket… he does have high body temperature, after all.

But wait… his planet has a higher temperature than Earth… So maybe Earth feels really really cold for him!

But wait… he makes so much heat so probably it makes the air around him so toasty warm that he doesn’t feel cold.

But wait… that much heat exiting his body means there’s a higher exchange of cold air so he must always be silently freezing!

But wait… maybe since he uses that much energy and energy creates heat…

But…

Uh…

Ughugh…

Valtiel turned his head in Zack’s direction, and would have quirked an eyebrow had he had one. “Zack? Your ears are smoking… And why do you keep twitching?”

[Shadow Phoenix]

Bax's eyes flickered open as the alarm went off to announce the start of his day. He groggily got up with his eyes half closed and sort of murmured "good morning" to his roommate, Zack, as he walked around the room to grab a few things. His oddly shaped toothbrush and the strange slimy toothpaste, a fresh pair of clothes, and other morning necessities he had come to accept here at Promised Land University. His new friends had been more than helpful in showing him what he needed.

Bax bumped his head as he reached for the toothbrush.
"Ungh," he murmured, opening his eyes a little bit more. He didn't remember leaving anything hanging here. He looked up and saw two bulbous, putrid yellow eyes staring back at him, red and bloodshot where the yellow was not piercing the darkness of the room. The skin around looked wrinkled and grotesque. Something growled or rumbled. Bax stared back at the eyes for a moment, and his eyes felt heavier and heavier. He shut his eyes and yawned.

"I don't remember leaving a mirror here," he said, looking back down and grabbing the toothbrush. He looked even worse than usual.

Bax felt a little stab of pain as he grasped the toothbrush, and looked down to see a tiny little creature trying to gnaw on the skin between his thumb and his forefinger.
"You're not my toothbrush," he said, bringing it up and flicking it off to the side. Earth sure had some weird creatures, in this dorm especially.

Bax yawned again and clicked his tongue against his teeth as he turned, forgetting the dilemma of his toothbrush and considering crawling back into his bed. As he turned around and looked at his living quarters, his tired eyes opened a little further, slightly cockeyed as he stared on. The curtains covering the window were tattered and torn and seemed to be dripping with blood. The walls and ceiling were pulsating, writhing, with little bits hanging off of them, tears and cancerous sores and ulcers dotting the formerly lovely blue wallpaper. The occasional face stared out as well. And the bed had splotches of blood all over it, but was no longer a bed. It also pulsated and writhed, but the mattress appeared to be a tongue rimmed with sharp, jagged teeth. The mouth was held open by several large metal poles. The bed itself seemed to meld with the floor, rising from who-knows where, the wood eventually transforming into putrid fleshy stuff.

Bax stood there before this scene and once again thought about crawling into bed. He grumbled and looked at the half-melted alarm clock that now had teeth on it. He still had enough time before classes, didn’t he? Bax rubbed his face and clicked his tongue against his teeth again.
“Five more minutes, mommy,” he said in Phoeniyan as he snuggled himself back onto the tongue and pulled his blanket back over him. He lay there for a few minutes, trying to get back to sleep by counting Folloborans jumping over the palace walls.

“One…two…three…four…”

“Fifty five…fifty six…fifty…”

Bax’s eyes shot open wide and he sat up rapidly, taking one look around the room. He twitched and his face twisted around in horror. He began babbling like an infant and then unleashed a horrific scream of terror as he leapt from his bed and crashed out the window, running top speed across campus and setting numerous things on fire before slamming into a large tree in his path and recoiling backwards to land on the ground—semi-conscious with a crazed look etched on his face.

[Sephiroth X]

The final class of the first day of a new semester came. The madness slowly creeping into his head as Sephiroth X realized that he was now the pawn of others for 18 weeks of malicious torture through unnecessary assignments and vigilant attempts to break ones being through examinations. As the bleek realization came to his mind, Seph expressed his emotions the only way he could... by repetitively banging his head against a table until either his skull or the table gave way.

Sephiroth X- WHY *bang* DO *bang* I *bang* KEEP *bang* DOING *bang* THIS *bang* TO *bang* MYSELF!

*His motions and words were quickly interupted by a suttle and singular sound from his immediate right.

Click!

*Seph's face turned into something along the lines of "o.O" as his head turned to his right while pressed face first against the table. His eyes catching view of a black robe with an arm holding a devilishly familiar artifact that had tortured him so much in his past. Dark Crono smirked at him as he clicked the never ending eraser one more time.

Dark Crono- It was inevitable...

*Seph's face promptly went into a state of "".

Sephiroth X- You still... have that... DAMN ERASER!

Dark Crono- I have a second one too...

Sephiroth X- GAH!

*X promptly fell out of his chair.

[ZaCloud]

Zack, having been awakened by the screaming, screamed himself when his now-awake mind grasped what had become of the dorm. He ran out, following the trail of fire and burning things, screeching like a locked tire and putting out half the fires with streams of tears.

He spotted lots of people using fire extinguishers on other patches. Then he saw the crowd of onlookers around Bax, some of them carrying buckets of water, others with fire extinguishers too.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Zack screamed, hurling himself over Bax's upper half and shielding him from the deluge.

"Move it kid!" one guy shouted, "His hair's on fire!"

Now soaked and covered in fluffs of foam, Zack sat up and announced, "No, that IS his hair, and male pattern baldness is fatal to his people!"

He then looked down at Bax and tears returned to the edges of his eyes. "I'm sorry Bax," he sniffled, "I'm so sorry about the room! The pink bunnies made me do it!"

His eyes then grew hard and cold. "And... Valtiel..."

He raised his fists to the sky and screamed, "KHAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!"

Poof, eyes lightened. "...Wait, is that in his name?.... I don't.... Umm... Oh well...."

They darkened again and he stood, weilding a very wide, huge yardstick. "You shall be avenged, Bax... Valtiel shall pay for his evil influence. As will the light red rabbits of doom."

[ZaCloud]

(Co-written by myself and Waffle King! ENJOOOOY!!!)

Valtiel was out cold, sprawled out on his tattered bed, snoozing away the exhaustion from the previous night.

He rolled onto his side a little too far and fell to the floor with THUD. He lifted his head and let out a quizical grunt, then promptly fell back asleep.

There was a knocking at the door. It kept up, insistively, relentlessly.

Valtiel rolled over a few times, unable to block out the unceasing knocking. He sat up with another, slightly irritated grunt, and hobbled to the room's door. He grabbed the knob, twisted it to the left, and cracked the door slightly to peek outside.

Zack was there, wide yardstick in hand. His eyes were narrowed, and his voice rang out with righteous fury.

"You have dishonored my friend. Defiled his living space. Deceived me with your guiles and wiles. You, and the pink bunnies, have seduced me into acts of evil and wrongdoing, and to what end? To witness the crumbling of Bax's foundation, to topple his renowned faculties! And now I ask of you... Are you satisfied? Has this devious act of perversion cleansed from your palette the bitter flavor of longing to see a great man crushed at your hands? Or do you have an ounce of decency in you to regret what you have done?"

Valtiel looked at Zack in silence for a moment. Then his tongue momentarily slithered out of his head.

"Actually, it tastes a little more like peanut butter. I think I may need another helping… I don't think I've had my doctor recommended dose of crushed greatness this week."

Zack's eyes narrowed further, and before anything could be done about the door he swung the Buster Yardstick into the opening, inches from Valtiel's featureless face. "The only greatness that will be crushed, is the greatness you wrongfully believe you possess!"

Valtiel let out a slight sigh. "Fine..." He reached to the side of the door and produced what looked to be a yardstick, though it could have easily been mistaken for a plank of wood, dinged and dirty from eons of use. He hefted the beast of a measurement device with one arm and crossed it with Zack's.

A small crowd of students had gathered, a few people sticking their heads out of their own dorm doors, a few people emerging from the bathroom with toothbrushes still in their mouths. "Wow, dorm fight!" "They seem awful serious though..." "Dude, I'm totally stoned right now."

Zack glanced back at the onlookers. Too many innocent bystanders at close-quarters... besides, with his back to the room and the doorway I'm at a disadvantage.

"Let's take this outside."

Valtiel swung the Great Yardstick up and rested in on a shoulder. "Lead the way, Captain Righteous."

Zack also shouldered his weapon, but kept the corner of his eye on Valtiel as they marched outside. As he walked, he cautioned the onlookers, "You best just stay away from this altercation..."

They blinked, puzzled at why some spat over stolen socks or door pranks would elicit such serious speech and manner. "Uh, man, you're totally whack." "You'd think this were some save-the-world battle or something." "Dude, I'm totally stoned right now."

When they reached the yard of the dorm, once more Zack took up a defensive position, the Buster Yardstick extended toward Valtiel. "Prepare to taste justice! I promise you, it will be bitter."

Valtiel got the hint and shook his head slightly. "I don't think you realize who you're dealing with." Something flicked on inside his head, he swung his weapon in huge intersecting circles, leaving their paths carved into the ground whenever it swooped in too low. He stopped with the Great Yardstick extended out behind him, the tip resting on the ground, blades of grass fluttered down around him. He wasn't playing anymore. "No, the only taste here will be your own cold sweat." Valtiel dashed at Zack and attacked with a hard downward swing.

Zack swung upward in retalliation, knowing a mere block would not stop the descending edge. The vibration of impact shook through his hands, and small wood splinters flew like sparks. He pushed against the struggling weapons, trying to gain ground against Valtiel, when his narrowed eyes noticed something. "Oh neat," he observed, eyes going wide, "They both hit at exactly thirteen inches!"

Valtiel coudn't break the stalemate with force, so he chose a different tactic. He shifted backwards and quickly brought his weapon back to his side, allowing Zack's attack to ascend higher into the air. He had found his opening. Valtiel shifted forward again and made a horizontal swing at his opponent.

Zack knew what was coming as soon as his yardstick was released into the air. He quickly allowed the momentum to go over himself, swinging the stick so high that it went back over his head and brought him down with it. As his back arched and the end of his yardstick stabbed into the ground, he could feel the sharp whoosh! as Valtiel's swing clove the air inches above his belly. But now he saw an opening of his own and, still holding onto the yardstick, he leaped in a flip using the measuring device as a pivot point, kicking at Valtiel's face as he flew upwards.

Zack's foot connected with the side of Valtiel's face just as his swing came to a halt. His head turning upwards in an unnatural way. He assumed a regular stance and used a free hand to grab a hold of the top of his head. He cranked his spine back into place with a loud crunch. "It'll take more than..." He paused for a moment, then moved his head around. "Hey, you fixed that kink in my neck! Sweet! I'll have to repay you by not whooping you as bad as I was originally going to." He assumed a fighting stance again.

Landing from his flip and now crouched behind his grounded "blade", Zack blinked, perplexed. Not only did he not hurt Valtiel, but actually helped him?!?! His eyes narrowed with rage.

What can I do? If hitting him in the head won't hurt him, what would his weakness be? Maybe all his vitals are in the mid-section...

The teen pulled swiftly upward, jerking his yardstick out of the ground, and rushing toward his foe with it held laterally, aiming to impale Valtiel with it... or, well, at least poke his tummy really hard.

Valtiel saw his frontal attack and was ready for it. As the yardstick came to within inches of him, he shifted to the side and allowed the stick to pass beside him. When he saw the 20 inch mark pass by he clamped down around the weapon with an arm, locking it between his left art and torso. He raised his own weapon with his right arm and swung downward at the boy.

Zack was unprepared for the capture of his yardstick; he had watched too many sword-fighting movies and anime in his time, and was used to using it like a sword. But having no sharp edges, the yardstick was all too easy for an opponent to catch. However, this realization was now useless, as it was knocked out of his head by the sharp impact, along with about three years of grade school, five rounds of chess, and six episodes of Jeopardy. He crumpled to the ground with a shout of pain, clenching his throbbing head, feeling dizzy.

"Heh, some justice." Valtiel flipped Zack's yardstick out from under his arm and into his hand. He was about to make another stinging comment when he felt a stinging of his own. He dropped the Buster Yardstick and pulled a twitching hand in to comfort. "Gah! Splinters!!" He staggered back a few steps, still clutching his injured hand.

From the ground, Zack smirked and slowly sat up. "There's justice for you," he slurred, grabbing the fallen yardstick at three inches, the only area not booby-trapped by wear and tear. "I guess it does have a bit of a blade after all."

He staggered to his feet, shaking his head hard to clear the stars away from his vision, and took a quick think, trying to figure out what Valtiel's weakness could be, besides splinters that is. I could try for the mid-section again, but he'll be expecting it... But I've gotta hurry while he's distracted! He charged forth again, swinging diagonally downard at Valtiel's mid-section, yelling with the power of his attack.

Valtiel didn't even notice Zack's attack. The Buster Yardstick struck him in the side and sent him rolling a few meters away. He came to a stop lying on his belly, weapon lying just a few feet out of reach. He struggled to reach a grasping hand towards Zack, but fell limp with this arm reaching out to his opponent.

Darkness... Good ol' darkness... But it was not silent; there were squeaking sounds lilting through the air. And an overwhelmingly heavy smell that was... sugary? Having no eyes to open, Valtiel merely turned on his senses... and found himself surrounded by various hues of pink! The walls were pink, the ceiling was pink, the carpet was pink. There were little red heart-shaped stickers over nearly every surface. All of his furniture was covered in white fluffy goose down. Rabbits and kittens and birds scampered and fluttered all over the room.

Valtiel found that he was lying on a heart-shaped red-velvet bed, surrounded by teddy bears of all shapes and sizes. Candies and roses were strewn all over. A squeaky happy Japanese song was playing from an undetermined location. "Itsumo Happy Smile Hello, Oishi-inoga daisuki..."

Valtiel instantly pressed himself into a corner and hugged his knees. His breathing was heavy, looking franticly at his surroundings. A little bunny hopped over to him and nuzzled at his leg. He cringed as its fuzziness touched his skin, it was just so fluffy!! Slowly all the fuzzy animals surrounded him, pinning him in the corner. They movied in cautiously, Valtiel could do nothing. Suddenly they swarmed him with snuggles, He let out a bone-chilling scream. "NooooOOOoOOoOOOoooooo!" The happy music continued on as he was smothered with cute.

---

Omake OMAKE: Outtakes!!!

---

Director: The Final Blow, take 3, action!

He charged forth again, swinging diagonally downard at Valtiel's mid-section, yelling with the power of his attack.

Valtiel feel to his rump with a thud, still nursing his hand. He looked up with, if he had any eyes, the biggest and saddest puppy face in existence. The sun behind Zack made him appear as an oppresive silohette weilding a sword of shadows. Valtiel let out some quite whimper sounds as he hugged his injured hand.

Zack paused, wavered, then looked toward the director. “Aww, I can’t hit him when he’s like that!”

Director: *sigh* “Cut…”

---

Director: Limbo Dodge, take 5, action!

Zack knew what was coming as soon as his yardstick was released into the air. He quickly allowed the momentum to go over himself, swinging the stick so high that it went back over his head and brought him down with it. As his back arched and the end of his yardstick stabbed into the ground… he could feel himself sliding downward slowly, the grip of his gloves too smooth, and he slowly lowered onto his back as Valtiel stood over him, still in post-swing position. They both began to chuckle, Zack now folding one leg over the other to relax there in the grass.

Director: Heh, oh man, cut!

---

Director: Splinters in the Hand, take 2, action!

"Gah! Splinters!!" He staggered back a few steps, still clutching his injured hand.

From the ground, Zack smirked and slowly sat up. "There's justice for you," he slurred, grabbing the fallen yardstick at the wrong spot. Even his glove could not save him.

“Gah! Splinters!!” Zack leaped to his feet, clutching his injured hand.

Director: …Let’s take a lunch break…

[ZaCloud]

(OOC: Been forever since we've added to this, and I'm goin' nuts waiting, so might as well let Zack do a little something meanwhile!

I vaguely remember Zack occasionally being in Japanese Mode in some of the lost posts... So I guess he can do that a bit again.)

---

"Great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts," Zack sang as he busily scraped, scrubbed, sprayed, and peeled away at the monstrosities polluting Bax's side of the room. He had been at it for over an hour, and was almost done, though he would have to replace a few floorboards and probably buy Bax some new bedding. He sighed. He felt really, really bad for his part in this, even if justice had been done.

And he still had no way of punishing those darn pink bunnies!

He siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighed again, then resumed his work. He peeled a small monster that looked much like an octopus from a workdesk. It protested, "Blaarmlamlamlamlamlargh!" as Zack tried to put it into the trash bag. But it clung to his wrist with its tentacles. He shook his hand hard, then harder, over and over and over, but the thing wouldn't let go.

"Gah! Hanase! Hanashite yo!" Zack shook it more desperately. It remained firmly in place.

Zack finally tried to bang the creature against the corner of the desk. But it chose that instant to finally let go, so Zack's hand cracked hard against the solid oak.

"Itetetetete!" he cried out, holding his hand and dancing backwards in frantic pain. He tripped backwards over the many trash-cans and bags he'd filled. Their contents... slime, miniature monsters, rotten giant teeth, and flaps of flesh... spilled all over him. The living parts clung onto him tightly, and began to gnaw on him, going, "OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!"

"HEEEEEEEELP!!" Zack cried out, flopping ineffectively on his back, "The yucky things are eating meeee!" T_T