Andrew's Phone-ferno

[Shadow Phoenix]

A little introduction to the piece I am about to give you:

In the early 1300s, a Florentine politician by the name of Dante Alighieri was heavily involved in a great deal of political turmoil. His native city of Florence saw many political fights, upheavals, and overthrowings--all coupled with far too much deceit and bloodshed. Dante was exiled after his party was ousted, and he moved around Italy, staying with several benefactors over the years. But he wasn't done with his career--no, he was just beginning.

Dante stayed active and wrote many essays and literature that found critical acclaim back in Italy (and consequently throughout other parts of Europe as well). Undoubtedly the most famous of these were his trilogy of books, which he called his "Comedy." More commonly known today as the "Divine Comedy," this trilogy encompasses the books "Inferno," "Purgatorio," and "Paradiso." The books chronicle the character Dante's fictional journey through hell, purgatory, and paradise to understand Human Reason, recapture Divine Love, and find his way back to the path of grace. Drawing heavily from the largely Catholic world of the time, Dante attacks both political and religious attrocities in his books unabashedly, with sometimes gut-wrenching results.

I read Dante's Inferno last December as a part of my AP Literature course, and was informed in January that we would be writing a parody of Dante's Inferno with whatever theme we wanted. Finally, a few days before the deadline, I landed on a theme: the attrocities committed by phone users. We see it everywhere--the annoying, the dangerous, and everything in between.

And yes, it makes much more sense if you have read Dante's Inferno, but I hope you can enjoy it even if you haven't.

So now I give to you for the first time on semi-public view: Andrew's Phone-ferno.

[Shadow Phoenix]

Canto I - The Land of Broken Towers

About half-past-noon during peak rate hours, I was walking along when I found
myself in a barren wasteland of broken cell phone towers. I had just ignored a
phone call from someone who I did not care to talk to, but this setting unnerved me.

Feeling guilty I picked up the phone and checked my messages.
"You never have your phone on," said a familiar voice on the other end.
I listened to the remainder of the message and felt bad about ignoring her.

But I looked up and realized that I had wandered too far in this wasteland.
Frightened, I looked around and tried to find a way out of the Land of Broken Towers.
Seeing none, I looked at my phone again and I realized I had no signal.

Up ahead I saw a hill, where I was sure that I might get a signal. High altitudes,
after all, were better for receiving signals, or so I had heard. I began to climb the hill
when I was confronted by a most disturbing sight: three phones, all different,

But all equally hideous and frightening. One had so many excess wires and other
parts coming off of it that it was hardly recognizable as a phone. Another rang with
an excruciatingly annoying ring tone. The last was a pay phone which struck me

As rather malicious. The ring tone grew louder and the other two phones
reached out to me with their wires, trying to draw my helpless soul in
to their grasp. I turned and ran as fast as I could to get out of this land.

Then I felt a vibrating in my pocket. I jumped and nearly fainted from fear,
but managed to stop and pull my phone out of my pocket. I did not recognize
the number, but I had begun to learn my lesson. I answered the phone.

"Hello?" I said, my voice quivering with fright. "Greetings," said the voice on
the other end. "Who is this?" I pondered, and the bodiless voice responded with a
gentle and understanding answer. "I assure you that all is well. Do not be afraid."

I was afraid, however. I had just escaped with my life from the three horrible
phone appliances. But then I remembered the time. "Wait, its peak rates right
now, can we do this later?" The female voice sounded slightly annoyed at this.

"No, we cannot do this later, Andrew. Your soul is in peril, for you have strayed
from the path of the true signal." I wondered why she knew my name, but
decided that it was best not to ask unnecessary questions. "But I was trying

To get up the hill and the three phones would not let me," I responded in defense.
"Those were the Phone of Excess and Unnecessary Parts, the Cell Phone of
Excruciating Annoyance, and the Pay Phone of Scams and Extra Charges."

"I thought they would kill me," I breathed, near tears with this stranger on the
other line. "Do not worry," she assured me. "For a day will come when the
three phones will be chased back to their rightful places in hell."

I was glad to hear that. But I was still confused as to why this person was calling.
"Question," I posed blatantly. "Who are you and why are you calling?"
The woman laughed. "My name is Emma Nutt and I was the first female

Telephone operator. I have been sent to help you pass through hell so that you
may understand the truth that plagues those who use their phones improperly.
Your ideal of a cheap, affordable phone that plays good music has willed this. I obey."

I gasped out loud. A cheap, affordable phone that would play good music?
It was almost too good to be true! I had seen commercials for such an item, but
never believed that I would get a chance to obtain one. I would follow Emma

Through hell and beyond to reach this, my love and my life. But I remained worried.
"How will I, a mortal, be able to cross through hell unscathed? Forgive me, Emma."
"I'm an operator, remember? I can guide you. Just walk forward until you reach

The gates of the Power Plant of Hell. Do not be alarmed by what you see.
All who are there belong where they are. It will do you well to remember that."
I nodded, though none could see me. "I obey," I said plaintively. "Lead on, mistress."

And I walked out of the Land of Broken Towers into a place where millions
were gathered, all looking miserable, and I was frightened.

Notes

Phone of Excess and Unnecessary Parts, the Cell Phone of Excruciating Annoyance, and the Pay Phone of Scams and Extra Charges - Equivalents of the She-Wolf, Lion, and Leopard

Emma Nutt - the first woman telephone operator, who started working September 1 or 1878. Prior to her, fledgling companies had tried to use teenage boys, but found them too rowdy to work properly.

Cheap, affordable phone that plays good music - Symbol of Divine Love--I love music, therefore I strive for something in the phone world that can give it to me[/size]

[Shadow Phoenix]

Canto II - The Gates of the Power Plant of Hell
The Employees of Bad Phone Companies

I AM THE WAY INTO THE CITY OF FAUX
I AM THE WAY TO A SIGNALLESS PEOPLE
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? GOOD!

These strange riddles I beheld as I arrived at the gates of the Power Plant of Hell.
Though the last phrase did not seem to fit with the first two, it was more
familiar to me. Stranger still, though, were those roaming about before the fences.

Running about in a line like elephants on parade were business people running
in suits. Each dragged behind him on one foot a large wad of cash and on the other
an answering machine which harangued the poor souls with shouts and cursing.

Thus as each soul tried to run away from the screaming answering machines, they
attempted to scoop up (unsuccessfully) the money before them. As they missed,
each soul stumbled on and groaned and cried. They could not stop lest they be trampled.

"Mrs. Nutt," I cried through my cell phone. "Who are these which chase after
their payment and are chase by their torment? And what of the inscription above me?"
I walked round this round of running souls and examined them as my knowledgeable

Operator explained what I had pondered. "These are the souls of people who worked
for bad phone companies. They neither contributed to the pitiful state of phone abuse
nor did they try to alleviate it. As such, they can attain neither for all eternity.

Nor can they enter through into the power plant, for they took no sides in life
and can take none in death. They are forever stuck to chase after the unobtainable.
As for the sign, I never understood that myself. It seems as though PM has a

Twisted sense of humor. Either that, or the people who write commercials do."
I became confused. "Pardon me, Mrs. Nutt, but if you were the first telephone
operator, then how do you know about commercials?"

"I might be dead," Emma quipped quickly, "But I still understand plenty.
I have seen many a person pass through hell and have learned much in my time."
This revelation was comforting. My Operator guide would surely lead me through well.

I passed by the miserable souls, none of whom I recognized (they were moving too fast)
and soon came to a gray, metallic river separating the fence from the power plant proper.
On the banks sat the souls of more damned, who all seemed anxious.

"And what are you doing here?" roared a voice. I raised my head and saw a
Hispanic looking man with a black cloak on. "And with a cell phone!
You're not dead!" I stared at the man, then hid my face as I corresponded with Emma.

"Who is that?" I inquired, worried that I would not be able to get in after all.
"We all call him DSL. Don't ask him what it means, though, or he won't let
you ride on the boat. Just let me speak to him and I will square things away."

Oh, my gracious Operator! I thanked her and stepped forward, handing my
phone to this DSL person. "It's for you, I stated." He looked at me quizzically
and began jabbering at the phone in Spanish. My respect for my Operator

Rose dramatically then as I realized that somehow she was multilingual. What a
wonderful asset she would be as I made my way through the diverse rounds
and halls of the Power Plant of Hell! I listened as DSL grunted a few times, then

Motioned for me to get on board. Not wanting to delay such an order
I obeyed and got on the boat. I looked at the clock and saw that it was 2:00.
"Time for a siesta," I said, and I told Emma I would see her on the other side.

As I hung up the phone, I heard her quip, "It's a good thing laziness is not
punished in phone hell, Andrew." I laughed and swooned to sleep on the river Silico.

Notes

Can you hear me now? Good! - the sign foreshadows the events that are to happen later in the book.

Power Plant of Hell - Where better to have something involving phones that a power plant with lots of towers?

PM - Could be misconstrued as a private message or text message sent between phones. The truth is revealed later, however.

Emma Nutt speaking in Spanish - I don't know if she was really multilingual. But she does say that she learned a lot during her stay in Hell.

DSL - real name Daniel san Lopez; no one real in particular, no real significance

Silico - As in the element silicon, used heavily in computers (and thus phone).[/size]

[Shadow Phoenix]

Canto III - Room One: Limbo
Those Who Never Had a Phone or were Born Before Phones Were Invented

[/center]

The dread ringing of the phone lying next to me broke my slumber
and I awoke with a start, swatting around to shut what I thought was my alarm off.
"Rise and shine, living guy," said the boatman DSL as he picked me up

And put me on my feet with open phone in hand. He gave me a nice shove off
the boat and I landed just as he split off the other direction to retrieve more souls
from the banks of the Silico. "Good morning?" I conferred groggily.

"Look to your right to see me." I looked to my left, still too groggy to realize what
was happening, and stared into the eyes of a man who resembled George Washington.
"What in the world?" I asked, confused for a moment. "I thought you were a woman."

A sigh on the other end coupled with the fact that George did not have a cell phone
alerted me to turn the other way. There I saw an old woman sitting at a desk and
handling a phone switchboard with blinding speed. "Nice to meet you,"

She said into her earpiece. I smiled and went to meet my magnificent Operator.
"Emma Nutt, at you service," she remarked as I drew near. "Andrew Exner, at yours.
But why was George Washington on my left?" I was truly confused by what I had seen.

"Here in Limbo are those who were born before phones were invented or never
owned a personal phone. As strange as it is, I never had a phone of my own,
which is why I am here. The first president, though he lied and had false teeth,

Was a good man, but simply was born at the wrong time. We have since taught
him and others how to use phones. But we were all of us too late, and none were
righteous enough to merit phone paradise during the great Ma Bell split."

"The great Ma Bell split?" I repeated questioningly. "What could that possibly be?"
My Operator took a break from what she was doing and stood up, walking over to me.
For an old woman born in the 1800s, she was rather attractive, I noticed.

"The great company, AT&T, was once a monopoly that had the entire country
under her wing. In the late 1970s and early 1980s, the U.S. Supreme Court
worked to break up the large monopoly into several smaller divisions.

This became effective on January 1, 1984, and the long prophesied event shook
the very foundations of the Power Plant of Hell and destroyed some of the
towers in the lower levels. The righteous were taken out of Limbo to join

The True Creator in Paradise." I had heard of this great event, but was completely
unaware of its consequences. I fell to my knees, weeping for no apparent reason.
"Oh, Mrs. Nutt, how amazing is that which you have told me," I exclaimed.

She looked at me strangely. "Right," she said, resuming her business-like tone.
"Now, let me take you to the Great Cell Phone Tower of this realm. It will be
the only way for me to keep in contact with you once you descend into the

Deeper levels of Phone Hell. We will prepare you for the journey there."
A new wave of fear took over me and I asked a nagging question.
"You're not come with me, Emma?" I queried the great Operator walking before me.

"Good gracious, no," she said. "Ever since that one time a greedy soul made me
go through as a hostage because they dropped their phone into Hell, I have
vowed never to set foot any further into this factory again. Forget purgatory.

I can help you much better from here anyway." I breathed a sigh of relief,
though I still wished I would have more than my phone with me.
We reached the Great Cell Phone Tower and I beheld a signal unlike any other

I had seen before. "This," my gracious Operator explained, "Is the best signal
which we, those who never owned a phone or were born before they were invented,
can muster up in our virtuous wisdoms. Look at your phone."

I did, and what I saw baffled me. My phone had become transfigured and now
resembled a rather expensive phone, much like the ones carried by the famous
historical figures around me. I saw Martin Luther and King Henry VIII,

Abraham Lincoln, Hammurabi, Moses, and many other important religious
and political figures of early times. I was in great company here, and the network
was something else entirely. I felt suddenly overwhelmed.

Emma Nutt came to me and comforted me. "It is all right. Calm yourself, Andrew.
We need to prepare you for your journey. Come now, let us get you a proper signal."
She led me to a humming and whirring generator from which she pulled a plug

That she inserted into the base of my phone. My phone sparked with life and the battery was filled completely up. I would not be losing life any time soon.
"Okay, that should do it," my guide, my operator of infinite wisdom said simply.

She picked up her ear piece again and my phone rang. I could hear her clear as if
she were standing right in front of me (which she was), and was amazed.
"Now," she said, "Just walk through the door on the right and you should be

Able to get out and to the next room of the Power Plant." I looked over my shoulder
and trotted to that door. It was time to begin my journey.

Notes

[/center]
The True Creator - Alexander Graham Bell, though sometimes disputed, was the inventor of the phone
The Ma Bell Split - explained above; when the Supreme Court chose to break up the phone monopoly[/size]

[Shadow Phoenix]

Canto IV - Room Two: The Infernal Set
Those Involved in Movies that Used Phones Way Too Much
Room Three: The Pile of the Discarded
Those who Bought Too any Add-Ons and Expensive Phones

[/center]

I was greeted at once by a chorus of moans and screams, rife with the cursing of
the angry and frustrated. I saw before me a vast movie set with people milling
about holding phones of various shapes and sizes, trying to use them

In unnatural ways. Shocked by this, I walked further into the room and heard
a sound effect I was not expecting here in hell. Or was it a sound effect?
The sound of Darth Vader's characteristic breathing accompanied what sounded

Like a sentence of condemnation. "I cast you into the Second Button of the
Giant Phone of Scams and Extra Charges." A horrible ringtone erupted and
I heard the sentence scream as they disappeared. I rounded the corner and found

The great James Earl Jones taking off his Darth Vader helmet and sitting down to
wait for another sinner. I realized that this man was in charge of condemning
the sinners to their respective levels of Hell, using his abilities with the Force which

He received thanks to George Lucas's direction in "Star Wars," to send them
appropriately. "Mr. Jones," I asked, "Who are these sinners and what is their affliction?"
Mr. Jones showed a surprising willingness to answer. "They are those who

Were involved in movies that made use of the phone too much. The entire cast and crew
of all three "Scream" movies are here, along with those of movies such as "Phone
Booth" and "Cellular." Any movie that focused so much on the phone

Simply brought Hollywood to an all-time low. Go ahead and speak to them."
I went forward with this intention when I realized this man had not asked me why
I was here when I was not dead. I inquired about this.

"You've got the Network. We Verizon folks can just tell." Satisfied with this, I
moved onto the set and saw such souls as David Arquette, Courtney Cox, and
even Wes Craven. Mr. Craven sat on a phone as though it were a director's

Chair, and Mr. Arquette and Ms. Cox tried to practice a scene with some sort of props.
All they had in their hands, however, were cell phones that were giving off static.
I approached them and felt pity deep in my heart.

"Why have you, mere actors, been condemned to the Power Plant of Hell? I do not
understand such an affliction as this." The three gathered before me looked at me
strangely, then took a break to come talk to me. Wes and David did not speak.

Courtney, however, responded in kind to me, "We just tried to entertain the masses
with a decent slasher flick, but our reliance on phones was received as being annoying.
Worse, we made two sequels, and were all involved in them. Still, please remember us."

This seemed so tragic. They were just actors, and I had actually liked those movies.
Why did they have to carry around these phones, unable to complete their
work for all eternity? These questions hounded me as I bid the poor souls

Farewell and made my way into the next room of the hellish Power Plant.
Another door to the right and I found myself viewing a heap of discarded phone parts.
Thousands of sinners crawled through this pile, trying pitifully to do something there.

I remembered that I had my cell phone on and figured I should probably use it.
"Sorry, Ms. Nutt, I was preoccupied. I am in the next room with a large pile of
phone parts. What is this place?" I went forward and saw a large banana-shaped phone

Trouncing around the pile and kicking phone parts and sinners alike every which way.
All the while, it was singing a strange and annoying song, "Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring
ring, ring--Banana Phone! Doo, doobi doobi doo!" I covered my ears and hoped my

Operator guide would help me out. She had to scream into the phone so I could
hear her, "You are in the Pile of the Discarded, where reside the souls that were
gluttonous about the purchase of their phones in life and now cannot use any

Of those smashed appliances in death. They are hounded by the great beast,
the Banana Phone, who is there for no other reason than to make life after death
that much harder for each of them." It was a disgusting place, and I was glad

That I, in my life, had not succumbed to such behavior. I was happy with my standard
flip phone that had no camera. Still, I did desire that great, cheap, affordable
cell phone that would forever play good music. But if Emma was correct, then

That would be mine to hold forever soon enough once I passed through hell.
Emma told me to go through the next door on the right, and I did. It was 4:30.

Notes

James Earl Jones - Spokesman for Verizon and voice of Darth Vader in Star Wars movies

Banana Phone - a flash animation on the internet that is very amusing, but very annoying; I don't know who originally wrote the song

Scream - I really did enjoy the movies. This was suggested to me. And I loved the idea. I really do like actors.

[Shadow Phoenix]

Canto V - Room Four: The Hoarders and Wasters of Cell Phone Minutes
Room Five: Mean and Unhelpful Phone Salesmen and Help Desk People

[/center]

I found myself next in a room where people were gathered on opposite sides, each
clutching cell phones and looking at each other with disgust and anger.
One of them yelled "Charge!" and began running out. All others followed his lead

And they ran towards the center of the room where they began to pelt each other with
their phones. One side screamed, "Why do you hoard?" and the other, "Why do you
waste?" And I realized these were the hoarders and wasters of cell phone minutes.

This seemed so frivolous a thing to fight over, and I could not tolerate the frivolous.
"Who cares?" I shouted over the din. Suddenly, everything stopped and they all
Looked at me. Each one bent down and grabbed a cell phone. "Get the blasphemer!"

They all shouted. I raised my phone to my ear and squealed. "Run," Emma said.
"Run for your life." And I obeyed, dashing around the group as they threw their cell
phones at me. I had not expected to have to run for my life twice in one day

When I had risen from my bed this morning. But it was too late to think of that now.
I raced through the door on the right and slammed it behind me, hearing the sounds
of pelting phones behind me. That was close. I sighed and surveyed the land before me.

"If their lives revolved around the phones," I asked Emma once I could breath again,
"Then why is it that they purposefully trashed their prized possessions?"
As I knew she would, Emma answered me brilliantly. "They do not know what they

Are doing. They will realize they have smashed their phones momentarily and go to
retrieve them mourning something awful. But now you are at the River Noitavargga with
the boatman, Margyas. Inside the swamp of the river lie the souls of the mean and

Unhelpful phone salesmen and help desk people. The mean lash out at each other
for their fate, blaming each other and getting into battles of words. The unhelpful,
knowing that they failed in life, babble and gurgle beneath the swamp."

I heard this babbling and gurgling rising up like a hymn:
"Unhelpful were we in a world that needed our aid
We bitterly refused to give people the answers they needed

Unhelpful we began, unhelpful we lived, unhelpful we lie."
I heard them gargling this soundless song and felt a measure of pity in my heart
Before realizing that just last week I had tried to deal with one of their kind.

And my heart was hardened. "May they rot beneath the Noitavargga," I said.
"Good," responded my Operator. You are beginning to learn the error of phone sin.
Now, go ahead and speak to Margyas. He will take you to the city of PM."
I hailed this Margyas fellow down, but he seemed disappointed when he found
that I was nod dead like most of his patrons. "Fine, get on board. Please keep your
hands, arms, legs, and all other limbs inside the boat at all times. Enjoy

Your trip with Margyas boatlines!" I stared at this strange man for a moment before
getting on and being whisked off across the Noitavargga. Apparently, he was trying
to be comical. I was less than amused--perhaps it was the setting.

From the stink of the river rose the mean, who fell upon each other angrily,
threatening vengefully to call their respective managers, or refusing to help
those around them rise out of the muck, and rather knocking them further down.

I recognized in the goop one soul who I had had to deal with a few weeks ago.
I was surprised that the man was dead, but was not surprised to see him here.
He saw me and tried to latch on to the side of the boat.

"You, I remember you. You were that jerk who came into my store and expected
me to know what phone adaptor to get you since you broke yours. Idiot."
I glared at the man and raised my foot to kick him.

"Ah, ah, ah," said Margyas. "All limbs inside the boat at all times."
"He's right, you know," chimed in Emma. "If you kick him, you'll fall out, too."
Angrily, I relinquished my foot. "Fine. But curse you, stupid salesman."

Those words seemed to have some sort of an effect, for all at once the other mean
salesmen and help-desk people swam towards my tormentor and dragged him
beneath the muck. I did not see him again.

At last, we reached the other side and Margyas let me off.
"This is the city of PM," Emma explained. "Good luck. Don't forget to go right."

Notes

River Noitavargga - backwards spelling of aggravation, what I frequently get when dealing with the perpetrators many of these crimes

Margyas - as the boatman Phlegyas reminded me of the River Phlegethon, so Margyas is to the river that appears below

Unhelpful mean phone salesmen and help desk people - My parents and I deal with incompetent people everywhere--I couldn't leave this class out.

[Shadow Phoenix]

Canto VI - The City of PM, Telemarketers
Those Who Did Not Believe in the Sanctity of Dinnertime

[/center]

The City of PM was ringed with cell phone towers that produced a crackling
ring of electricity. I approached it and started to get some static.
"Damn," exclaimed Emma. "I'm losing you. Let me call you some back up

To help you out." I felt suddenly faint. "Wait, no, I cannot do this alone."
"Just hang on a minute. You will be fine." And the phone line went dead.
I walked forward and was astounded by the number of souls I saw gathered here.

Suddenly, however, I realized that these were not souls at all. From the way they
were all gathered together, moving together, I saw that it was--The Network.
"Excuse me," I said, raising my phone as if to call a peace. "I need to get through."

The mass did not move right away, nor did it answer. They all stared at me blankly.
I felt such an oppressive force coming from them, and I feared once again for my life.
They were not going to let me through.

"Leave at once," shouted a voice from above the throng of The Network. Two more
echoed it and a shudder passed through my body. It was the voices of three
unknown spokesmen coming from one of the towers. They were angry that I was here.

"Leave at once," they repeated, "Or we will call our brethren, Carrot Top.
He'll take care of you." I fell to my knees in horror (and so did The Network).
Anyone but Carrot Top! The epitome of annoyance would surely be the death of me.

I prayed that Emma would call back soon, for the longer I waited here, the
more likely it would be that I would perish under Carrot Top's auspices.
I stood up (and so did the Network) and tried to move forward to the gates of PM.

The Network moved backwards in step with me and I realized that it was hopeless.
Then my phone rang. It was Emma! Oh, most gracious guide, oh most intelligent
Operator of mine, she had rescued me again! I listened closely to what she had to say.

"Listen, Andrew, you have a new ringtone in your phone. For copyright issues, it
should appear labeled as "Heavenly Messenger," though you should recognize the
actual title once you play it. Just hang up and use it. When you are inside the city,

Call me back." I thanked her and hung up, furiously finding the "Heavenly Messenger"
entry. I selected it and allowed it to play. A light broke forth from the screen and I held
it up for all The Network to see as my upgraded, transfigured phone blasted the song:

"Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!" It was the Hallelujah
Chorus of Handel's Messiah! I was saved by the great ringtone! The Network before
me split down the middle and I was able to escape into the city of PM unscathed.

I called Emma back and she immediately questioned, "Did it work?"
"Yes," I responded happily. "But did it cost me anything to download it?"
Silence reigned for a moment, then Emma sighed, "Just 99 cents, Andrew."

"Oh," I replied, "That's fine." I walked forward in the city and noticed millions of
Coffins shaped like flip-phones with the circuitry jutting up out of them.
Moans rose up from the coffins and I asked, "Who are these souls."

"They are the telemarketers of the ages, those who did not believe in the
sanctity of dinnertime. Or any time for that matter. As they ignored the sense of time
in life, they will be trapped in their coffins for all time and be ignored there."

I stood there for a moment. Their punishment seemed far out of whack.
I despised telemarketers and believed that their punishment should be much worse.
So I told Emma what I thought--which was a mistake. I had to hold the phone away to hear properly without going deaf.

"DO YOU DARE QUESTION THE JUDGEMENT OF THE TRUE INVENTOR?
FORGET NOT THAT YOU ARE A MERE MORTAL AND DO NOT
UNDERSTAND THE WORKINGS OF PHONE HELL YET!"

I was shaking by this time, and winced with each word. "Okay," I whispered softly.
"Good," Emma responded, her voice sweet once again. Now, it is time to leave this
place. At the edge of the city, you will find a very large phone. Climb down it

to find a way out of Hell. I warn you, I may lose touch with you at some point.
So be careful. And don't forget to go right." I obeyed the intelligent operator.

Notes

[/center]

Carrot Top - 1-800-CALL-ATT - so annoying, he would probably annoy me to death if he was summoned[/size]

[Shadow Phoenix]

Canto VII - The Gigantic Phone
The Excruciatingly Annoying, the Fraudulent, and the Scammers
The Screen - Annoying to Neighbors, Annoying to Drivers, and Just Plain Annoying

[/center]

Now allow me to pause for a moment, reader, and explain that
what I am about to describe really, truly happened. I am not merely trying
for snuff writing or to make you sick. But if it sickens you, then you have a true heart.

When I reached the screen of this giant phone, I found myself near a river that ran yellow. In fact, it smelled rather good. But it looked as though it was boiling, as bubbles
continued to rise from it, popping every few seconds. It probably would not have tasted

Too pleasant either, because I saw souls steeped in it, some with only their feet immersed
and others up past their necks. I was about to inquire Emma of their plight when I heard
a gruff, Austrian accented voice coming ask me "Who are you?"

I turned around to see a man that looked exactly like Arnold Schwarzenegger back in
1984, when the first Terminator movie was released. He was pointing a very large gun
at me, and I raised my hands nervously in surrender. "Greetings, governor," I began.

"Governor?" the thing responded. "No, I am the terminator." I looked beyond this
movie character and saw dozens more of him patrolling the banks of this river.
"Emma," I whispered into my phone, "Help me out here."

"This is the river Margarethon," she explained, "a river of boiling popcorn butter. In it
reside the souls who annoyed others by talking on their phones during movies.
The banks are patrolled by one of Hollywood's greatest sentinels, The Terminator.

If they try to relieve themselves, he shoots them with one of his big guns.
Don't worry, though, he won't hurt you. Just ask to go to the other side and
he will take care of the job. Just make sure everything on you is secure."

I thanked Emma and put my phone on hold and in my pocket. "Mr. Terminator,"
I began, "May I pass to the other side?" He looked at me through those dark
sunglasses and scrutinized me with a steely glance. "Are you John Connor?"

"No, I'm Andrew Exner," I said simply. "Do you know where he is?" the T-clone asked.
"No, but I will look for him if you let me go to the other side," I said to outwit it.
The T-clone paused for a moment, then picked me up and hurled me across.

I landed in the middle of what looked like an intersection. This was one of the strangest
Things I had experienced so far in hell. I looked around and saw a few cars milling about
though I saw no drivers. "Hell is weird," I commented to myself.

"Emma," I called, "Where am I now?" I looked around me and stepped to the side, thinking I could avoid a car here. "You are in the Intersection of Stupid Drivers.
They are those who talked on the phone while driving. Since they ignored

Their safety and the safety of others in life, they are trapped forever in cars
that drive erratically and crash into each other. They can only speak when stopped,
which is generally only when they have gotten into an accident.

From there, they await the harpies of insurance to come and buff them out so that
they continue. Each time, of course, the harpies exact a tremendous payment, as is
only natural of insurance companies." Oh, how I despised insurance companies.

As I was talking to Emma, I heard a beeping in my ear and realized I had another call.
"Hang on, Operator, I've got another call. Be right back." "No, wait, watch out for the--" I switched over and heard my good friend, Hana. "HANA, HEY! How ya doin? I'm--"

And suddenly before me I saw a car raging towards me. I dodged out of the way
Just in time to avoid being killed. The car slammed into another car on the other side
Of the intersection and they both wailed upon impact. I stood dumbfounded

While Hana jabbered on the other end. "I'll…call you back," I managed to babble.
I switched back over to Emma, who sat there patiently, trying not to seethe.
"You mortals can be real idiots, you know," she said plaintively. I told her she was right.

"Oh why did I talk on the phone while driving?" mourned the one car that had nearly
hit me. I walked over to him and he questioned me, "You who have a body, why
are you here? To torment me? Oh woe is me, oh woe is me!"

An insurance harpy rushed over and took a giant machine to the car to buff it out.
I had nothing I could say to the poor soul, so I turned to my right and marched on to find
myself below the screen at the edge of a giant button pad of sorts.

To my right, I saw a cell phone tower being melted by the river Margarethon.
I raised my phone and called out Emma's name. But all I received was static.
I walked forward and saw millions of others, many of them dressed in fancy

Business suits, in a plight similar to my own. They all wandered about, trying to
find a signal, but could not get one. Suddenly out of the air, I saw a bolt of electricity arch out from the melted cell phone tower and strike one of those people down.

A Hispanic looking girl nearby, talking on her cell-phone, held up a gun
to the man with the intention of robbing him, but thought better of it
when a similar bolt of lightning arched out and hit her as well.

The fallen man got up, brushed himself off, and upon seeing me, approached me.
"Wait, you are not like the others. You are not dead. Greetings, living mortal.
I am a former New York business man and you are in the Touch Pad of No Signal.

In life, we here never stopped talking on the phone, so we are denied any signal here.
And as you saw, the sky attacks us as well because of the melted cell phone tower.
Speaking of which, I highly recommend getting off the ground before it is shocked."

I thanked him and raced towards an area of rubber along the touch pad,
Moments before every resident of the area shook with jolts as the ground was electrified.
I found it strange that the businessman was kind to me. It was unlike businessmen,

At least in my experience. "Who are you?" I called out. But he had already fallen on the ground and could not get up. I sighed. Oh well, there was no way that I could spread his name on Earth. I walked along the rubber path until I reached a phone booth in an alley.

The scene reminded me of the opening sequence in "The Matrix." Getting an idea, I
picked up the phone and dialed 0 for Operator. "Tank--I need an exit."
Emma responded, "It's me, you idiot. Give me a minute and I'll get you out."

Suddenly I felt my body dematerializing and surging through space below
to a deeper circle of Phone Hell. It really was like the Matrix.

Notes

[/center]

Margarethon - instead of Phlegethon. The Margar comes from Margarine, which I compare to butter--sort of…

John Connor - the young boy that the Terminator is trying to save in T2 and prevent being born in the original

Significance of 1984 - There isn't really any. It's just a coincidence that it aligns closely with the breakup of the big bell companies.

Harpies of Insurance - when I got into an accident a few months ago, I got rooked by the insurance companies…

The Hispanic Girl - also known as the Cell Phone Robber who robbed Wachovia banks in the DC Metropolitan area last November while talking on her phone, real name Candice Rose Martinez

Matrix - In the movie, the characters move between the matrix and the real world by using phones. The quote is from the character Trinity.[/size]

[Shadow Phoenix]

Canto VIII - The Malbuttonpad, Buttons 1-4
Phone Sex People, People Who Can't Shut Up on the Phone, Bad Phone Co. CEOs and Presidents, Psychic Hotline

[/center]

As I felt myself in a real body again, I withheld making any cliché jokes in case the sinners around me would feel offended, and I called Ms. Emma Nutt back.
"Thank you, Ms. Nutt. Where to now?" I hated to sound helpless, but I was still clueless.

Emma began in on a sort of tour as I walked along, which reminded me of being in a
museum of sorts, the kind where they give you a headset and a track that guides you.
My guide gave me quick explanations of what I saw as I pressed forward.

"And to your right, you will see the patrons and operators of phone sex services.
As they misused the phone for perverted purposes in life, they are denied pleasure in
death and are forced to walk along while being shocked by a handy tazer phone add-on."

I witnessed this with some amusement. I saw among the ranks of these sinners a few
friends of mine who I was surprised to see, but I will neglect to mention their names.
They are still my friends and I care not to expose their place in hell. Forgive me, reader.

"And before you, witness the punishment of those who talked on the phone for several
hours at a time and simply would not shut up. They have melted silicon poured down their throats from the river Silico above, and I are forever unable to speak."

This punishment seemed harsh, and as such, I decided not to view this punishment
for any longer than I had to. I pushed on and looked to my left, awaiting an explanation
for what I saw there. Large phones were suspended from cords above a pile of

Crackling circuitry from broken phones. Feet were sticking out of the ends of this
contraption, and I heard whoever was inside moaning. On the side of the phone
was the standard AT&T symbol. I called out to the inhabitant. "Hello there."

"Already here, Whitacre, Jr? Already here to send me to do my doom below?
Fine then, let us have it!" I was confused by this, and responded so.
"No, I am Andrew Exner, a humble cell phone user traveling through hell."

"I see," responded the phone through the mouthpiece. "I am Michael Armstrong, former CEO of AT&T. I wanted to make my company a global telecommunications market.
But while my associates agreed with me, such monopolizing actions label me corrupt."

"What will happen when Whitacre dies, then?" I asked. "Oh, woe is me!" cried
Armstrong. "I will plummet below and join my predecessors, like that damn
Theodore Vail, who started the monopoly in the first place. Oh curses."

I had heard of Eric Whitacre, Jr., a President in the AT&T Company who owned Cingular cellular services. That was the cell service with which you never had a
signal. It was no wonder that Whitacre would be replacing Armstrong. How corrupt!

"I am sorry for your plight," I said. Suddenly, I received a buzzing and blaring in my ear
once again as Emma harangued my pity. "Cut that out already!" she cried.
"It does neither you nor them any good. They deserve their placement."

I supposed I agreed. It was making more sense as I went through this hell.
I bid Armstrong farewell (at which Emma grumbled to herself) and asked Emma about
the fourth button which I was about to find.

"This is where the patrons and operators of psychic hotline services reside.
They are forced to watch reruns of bad TV shows backwards, after which
they are they quizzed on information from the shows. For every question

They answer incorrectly, an inconspicuous pitching machine on the side pitches a large
crystal ball at their heads. As in life they sought to scam people by peering into
the future, they are forever forced to backwardness. But they're just annoying anyway."

I peered down below and saw the undeniable figure of Miss Cleo sitting in front of a
television watching episodes of the American Idol auditions backwards.
I laughed at her plight, but went down to speak with her.

"Hello, child, why are you here?" she said. I rolled my eyes. "Honestly? To make fun
of you. But other than that, why did you scam people so much?" I asked.
The woman fanned herself (and blew away a thick layer of incense).

"I did not scam them, child. I gave them what they wanted. I just received
A handsome profit in return." I stared at her for a moment. That was about
The dumbest answer I could have received to that question. I watched as a

Question came up on the screen. She answered incorrectly (of course) and a
large crystal ball came out of nowhere and smashed her in the head. I was pleased
by what I had seen and asked Emma to guide me to the next area.

"Go to your left," she said. I was surprised. "My left? Really?"
"Yes, really," she responded. "It's just that bad."

Notes

The Bad CEOs and Presidents - their presence is explained in the text

Going Left - Just like with Dante, it signifies something weird is about to happen

[Shadow Phoenix]

Canto IX - Button Five and Six
Those Who Never Had their Phones On and
Those Who Supported the Theory that Cell Phones Cause Cancer

[/center]

I climbed over to the next button and found myself assaulted by sound.
Alarms went off and phones rang off with the most annoying of ring tones.
Static and screaming voices competed with each other, raging on almost uncontrollably.

And the place didn't smell too nice either. In fact, it smelled like burning flesh.
It was as though I had stepped into a medieval painting of hell. Which, to be
truthful, was not that far from the truth. Except that I was on a phone. Small difference.

"Where am I?" I asked Emma. "You are in the realm of those who never had their
phones on." My blood ran cold. I always had my phone on, but people often accused
me of not having my phone on because I didn't always answer it. What would happen to me here?

"What is their punishment?" I tried to ask calmly. "They are unable to turn their phones off because the phones are stuck to their hands with pitch and constantly receive phone calls that alternate between deafening static, pranks, scams, and other annoyances.

Patrolling wraiths dressed in black cloaks spray them with more boiling pitch if they stop answering the phones for more than a moment. Their existence is miserable and constantly compounded with more afflictions."

The punishment sounded familiar for some reason, as if I had read it in a book somewhere before. I ignored that and asked her if I could just leave soon.
"What, you don't want to see more of what punishment awaits you if you do not repent?"

"Not particularly," I responded bluntly. Just then, one of the wraiths came up to me.
"Ah, who da we haff 'ere?" it hissed through its hood. One of its companions
came up behind it and pointed its gun of boiling pitch at me.

"I dinnae know, Midgard. Whadya t'ink, Jormungand?" Another hissing apparition
appeared to harass me, apparently this Jormungand. "Wuhl, Basilisk," it responded,
"It ain't dead jus' yet. Soon, though, mebbe. Aw've 'eard 'o isss one."

I quickly turned the speakerphone on my phone on and Emma came to my rescue.
"Hey, snake wraiths, lay off the merchandise. This young man is trying to get through.
Just let him through, please." The air tensed for a moment as I awaited their decision.

"Yeer naw a mite fun, Nutt," hissed the one named Midgard. "Fine. Basque, c'mere."
Another wraith appeared. "You and Jormungand take this mortal to the 6th button."
I gasped. I was alive, but if I stayed with these two, would I stay alive for much longer?


Though frightened, I followed them. "Where are we going?" I inquired.
"A tunnel. The britch ta getta da sex't bootun wash shattuhd in ta great Ma Bell split."
"Oh, okay," I said, not so sure. Something about this seemed fishy.

We got to the supposed tunnel and one of the sinners talking on his phone broke down,
crying out "I can't do it anymore!" Both of my hissing wraith guides descended upon
the poor soul, spraying him with boiling pitch. Suddenly, they began to quarrel

Amongst themselves, each claiming the right to spray him first. They raised their guns against each other and blasted each other. Seeing my chance to escape, I took it and
slid down into the tunnel. I sped quickly til I reached the other side.

There I saw people walking around in a circle with strange phone shaped tumors growing off of them. "Who are these people, Emma?" I inquired. They seemed to be horribly
weighed down, and I wondered what sin could merit this strange and grotesque punishment.

"They are those who supported the theory that cell phones cause cancer. Now in death,
they are afflicted with cancerous tumors shaped like phones." I found this amusing,
but desired to move on. It was growing late and I had a date the next night.

"Thank you, Emma. Please, lead on. What is next?"
"Okay, just go left again." "Again?" I cried incredulously. "Yes, again."

Notes

[/center]

Midgard, Jormungand, Basilisk, Basque - names of famous serpents in mythology, their speech is filled with hisses and broken dialects

This is the sin I choose to attribute to myself, as Dante had grafting.[/size]

[Shadow Phoenix]

Canto X - Buttons 7-10, the # Button
Cell Phone Thieves, Those Who Took Credit for Others Inventions, Phone Stalkers, and Prank Phone Callers

[/center]

The tour resumed with the 7th button, and though it was all very fascinating,
I was beginning to grow restless. I implored my guide to take me through safely and quickly so that I could be united with my cheap, affordable music phone.

"Don't be impatient," she responded. These things take time. "But next up are the cell phone thieves, those who stole cell phones from others and used them for their own means, basically screwing their actual owners over in bad ways."

I spit in the lake where these resided, but found it best not to go inside. I saw electric eels patrolling the lake, constantly shocking the residents. As I watched, however, one of the men cried out in pain and turned a strange shade of pale blue. His arms shrank and

Became fins and he continued to shrink until he himself was one of the eels as well.
I had begun to notice a trend with electricity in this phone hell, strange as that was.
Reader, I recant my previous comment. Hell was not strange. It was just disturbing.

The next button was a solid surface, but I saw clouds of electricity roaming about on it.
"Who are these?" I asked Emma. "They speak English, why don't you ask them?
I am sure it will be much more interesting that way." I agreed.

I went forward on the button and saw a cloud of crackling bolts that seemed twice as large as all the others. "Who are you?" I asked. Immediately it responded angrily.
"We are the true inventors! Antonio Meucci and Elisha Gray are our names!"

I had read about these two. Apparently they had applied for patents for devices similar to
telephones around the same time as Alexander Graham Bell, but were not recognized
as the inventors of the telephone like Bell. Why exactly they were here, I was not sure.

"Emma, what is their sin?" I asked. "They took credit for Bell's invention. Or at least that's what was told to James Earl Jones. You know him--he does what he likes.
These two are forever merged because of their similar crime."

I nodded in understanding and bid these two farewell, as a brilliant flash of light
erupted and nearly blinded me. They certainly seemed angry. "Where to next?" I asked,
feeling only slight repetitive at this point (I was just inquisitive).

"Oh, you don't want to go to the next button. It's too close to the hour for that."
"What's wrong, Emma?" I quandaried my magnificent Operator.
"The ninth button of the Malbuttonpad," she responded, "Is populated by phone stalkers."

I gasped. I had had several phone stalkers myself, but I had not realized it was such a devious crime. I would probably know many there. "Why do I not want to go there?"
"Every hour, on the hour, they are smashed all at once by a large phone.

If you go, you too will be smashed." I gasped, and insisted that she allow
me to bypass That button somehow. "Well, that's easy. Just go forward."
"Not left or right?" I asked, extremely confused this time. "No, just forward."

Unsure of what this meant, I just continued on forward until I came to the 10th button.
Here, I saw a legion of people with phones, but no faces! They could not see, they could
not hear, and they could not speak. They were barely people anymore.

"Their sin must be severe," I said to myself. Hearing this, Ms. Nutt responded.
"Yes, these are the prank phone callers. Their punishment is that, as in their lives
They tried to annoy people, they have their phones but are unable to use them."

"Wow, that must be annoying," I said, gazing on in wonder. There was no point in stopping to speak to them (as they could not respond), so I carefully wove through them
as they bumped into each other and angrily swiped about in blind rage.

At least, I came to a fork on the road. To my left was the pound button. To my right was the star button. "Is the pound button what smashes the 9th button?" I inquired, curious.
"Yes. But if you go on the hour, you should be able to make it through to the final

Part of hell: the Charger Base of Annoyance and All That Other Stupid Stuff."
Wow, that was a mouthful. I set my alarm for the hour and waited until just the right moment. My alarm rang and the pound button launched upwards the smash into the

Ninth button on the pad. I dove forward for my freedom
and found myself at the Charger Base.

Notes

[/center]

Meucci and Gray - while doing research, I noticed these two--while they were not as pompous as I make them out to be, they discovered the phone around the same time as Bell and applied for patents (Meucci in Italy), but never actually got credit for the phone (except for Meucci in Italy) - they didn't steal his ideas, but it's my Inferno, so my rules rule all

Phone Stalkers - some people call me all the time and it drives me crazy, so I stop picking up the phone when I see their number

Going Forward - just to be different…[/size]

[Shadow Phoenix]

Canto XI - The Charger Base of Annoyance and All That Other Stupid Stuff
The Final Levels of Sinners and PM

[/center]

At last I came to the final circles of Phone Hell. I found before me a wasteland of wires coiled around the unfortunate sinners here. The wires were often split open so that they zapped the trapped with ferocity. How terrible was this land. I picked my path carefully.

As though I was in the middle of an advertisement, I saw a screen of text appear
before me. I peered at it in wonder as I realized that this was all the information
I needed about this place. Now I just needed to get through.

"The CBoA&ATOSS Residents: 1) Those Who Did not Have Call-Waiting or Still Used Dial-Up; 2) Ditzy Operators; 3) Operators Who Put You on Hold for Way Too Long (and make you listen to bad music); 4) Engineers of Phone Jail Mazes; and 5) PM."

"Emma," I commented through my phone, "Are many of your colleagues here?"
"More than you know," she said sadly. "More than you know."
I was about to say that I was sorry when I realized that that was the wrong thing to say.

I just continued on, past those stuck in the past of modern phone technology
who were just bound at the wrists and ankles, and not that tightly.
They could still move, but were unable to break free of their prison.

I continued on, past the ditzy operators who were strapped to their chairs and whose heads were forced upright. I continued past the operators with horrible tastes in music, who were not only bound like their colleagues, but were twisted in awkward shapes

And made to listen to their own music over and over again. I felt no pity for these souls.
I had been doublecrossed by them myself far too many times. After so many times of
sitting through hold sessions of bad music, you lose a piece of yourself, so I had found.

And at last I came to those who had constructed the phone jail mazes used
by companies like BG&E to avoid actually talking to customers and drive
patrons crazy. They were completely encased in wires and could not move at all.

But even more horrible was what I saw before them. In the very center of
this wasteland of wires, I saw the Verizon Guy, Paul Marcarelli--PM!
"Paul Marcarelli is Satan?!" I screamed incredulously into my phone.

"Who else did you expect to annoy the worst sinners of all time forever?"
I was dumbfounded. As I made my way toward PM to get out of Phone Hell,
I murmured to myself. "That's it, I'm switching phone providers the

Minute I get back home." Emma heard me and approved laughingly.
"Good. I was surprised that you had the Network at all. It's not something for mortals."

Notes

[/center]

If people don't have some way of being contacted by now and can't be reached because of dialup or a lack of call-waiting (or both, as is the case here), then it drives me insane. Sorry to those who are behind.

Operators - blatantly self-explanatory

BG&E - I lost power a few weeks ago, and when we tried to call, we could never talk to a real person. I got real old, real fast.

Paul Marcarelli - this is the real name of the Verizon Guy, and he is a New York Actor--and the horn-rimmed glasses are really his…his annoying slogan, though hilarious in my mind, is perfect to annoy people[/size]

[Shadow Phoenix]

My Phone-Ferno is getting lonely...comments and criticisms are welcome, even if it was just for fun (and yet for a grade) and sort of rushed. I just want to know what people think...I know it's longish...

[The Waffle King]

This is wonderful! ^_^ I can see the similarities and such since I've read The Inferno. But I still have to read the two other parts of the Divine Comedy. But anyways, I love this. I'm glad you made the Verison guy satan, he corrupts peoples minds with his annoying catch phrase. Do you plan on writing the other two parts?

[Shadow Phoenix]

*squeals in delight* I'm glad you like it, Waffles ^_^

Actually, I haven't read Purgatorio or Paradiso yet either. I do plan on reading those, and if given enough inspiration, I may write the sequels.

I could think of no better person for Satan. We see eye to eye, then. Yes... ;D